Don’t try and tell me that it’s always bad. Even stupid stuff like when you were chasing crabs on the beach just to terrorize them. That was real, that was happy.
“
If I’m being 100% honest with myself I’m not hurting right now because it doesn’t feel like we’ve broken up.
If feels like we just backed it up to the beginning of our relationship.
Rare sleepovers. Twice a week hanging out. We still text everyday and have sex.
He just never says I love you anymore and that makes it real. That brings home the fact that at any point he can get with a new girl because I have no claim on him.
But he hasn’t yet. I wonder why that is. We had a moment a couple weekends ago where he grabbed me and cuddled me til we fell asleep.
I’d say why is he doing this to me but I’m doing this to myself. Letting myself get comfortable again.
I’m thinking more and more that tonight might be the night.
It’s been exactly a month. If anything I feel worse.
At least I know that nobody here will miss me.
I’ve noticed that there is something terribly tragic about being human.
We waste our lives on things that we told one another matter a long time ago.
We have this sense of not belonging. An internal voice that says we’re not good enough.
We’re obsessed with happiness.
How I wish I were a red panda.
Show me one of those cuddly creatures that considered ending it all because the love of their life gave up on them.
Why do I fail so continually at dealing with this?
Everything I do is detrimental to me moving on.
But I can’t help that everything reminds me that a month ago I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
Even something as simple as cooking. I used to love to cook dinner for him. Cooking dinner for one is so depressing.
I have these horrible abandonment issues that I’ve failed to overcome since I was little and my parents both fell deep into their addictions and left my siblings and I to be in foster care and later raised by various family members.
I was the one of my siblings that never ever let anyone get close to me romantically. If any guy ever showed too much interest I pushed them away. Until him. Until I got my one chance with this guy I was crushing on since I was 13 years old. And I got 2 years of feeling like there was someone that was worth it.
I’m having a really hard time not constantly thinking that while he was worth it I wasn’t. I put my entire soul into that relationship because I knew that when I was just laying there early in the morning looking at him sleeping that it was all I wanted for the rest of my life. But he didn’t want that from me. He says differently but I feel more and more that he never wanted that from me.
I couldn’t even see how unhappy I was making him because I was so swept up in how excited I was to see him every time he knocked on my door.
